


the neverending sexcapades of the king of olympus, titan slayer

by justahufflepuff



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Greek Mythology, Crack, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Sexcapades, so many sexcapades
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-14
Updated: 2013-08-14
Packaged: 2017-12-23 10:53:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/925528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justahufflepuff/pseuds/justahufflepuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is Zeus. Remus is all of his mortal lovers. What on Earth could possibly go right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	the neverending sexcapades of the king of olympus, titan slayer

**Author's Note:**

> Something I wrote for the summer wolfstar wank 2013. Wanted to put it all in one place.
> 
> Somewhere, far away my Classical Studies teachers are all crying profusely.

The gods, Remus had decided, had it out for him.

Or more precisely, one god. One god and a goddess if you really wanted to get deep in to the technicalities of it all.

He didn’t know what on Demeter’s sweet earth he had done to deserve this kind of harassment. He prayed to his household gods every day, made all the proper offerings at the temples, gave them the best part of every meal. Everything he did he did to keep the gods happy and blissfully unaware of his simple mortal presence. After all gods and mortals weren’t supposed to mix. For one, it never ended well for the mortals. Secondly Remus secretly believed that the gods were far more trouble than they were really worth. 

In retrospect that last thought probably served as the nail in his coffin. Omnipotent all-powerful beings could probably smell an atheist a mile off. 

He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when this whole ordeal had started, but he knew enough to safely guesstimate it as: a long-ass time. All he knew for certain was that every now and then he would wake up in a body that was not his own. From there he knew what to expect. Some time in the next few days the heavens would open and down would come the King of Olympus, Father Killer, Slayer of Titans, God Among Gods, Wielder of the Holy Lightening and general pain in his ass.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Remus said as he woke up to the sight of a bronze encased bedroom distinctly not his own. Upon further inspection, the body wasn’t his own either. Unless he had somehow managed to transform himself into a woman over night, which seemed highly unlikely, even with the complete chaos that was his life.

Gold trickled down through the ceiling and Remus just barely resisted the urge to smack the head that didn’t belong to him against the headboards. 

“Absolutely not, no way, go back to Olympus.” 

The gold shifted and took the abstract form of a towering man with runaway hair. 

“Oh come on, we’ve barely even had any fun.” Zeus, Slayer of Titans, Shapesifter and life-ruiner took a shimmery gold step towards the bed. 

“Who am I this time, oh Mighty and All Powerful?” Remus reckoned sarcasm towards the holy ought to earn him a good smiting and just end his problems here. No such luck.

“Her name is Danae, I believe. And please, call me Sirius.”

Remus/Danae stared at him.

“What? You have no idea how tiring it is to get called King of Olympus and all that rot. Even Zeus gets old after all. Got to have to a passable identity for when I visit you.”

“Sirius isn’t even Greek.”

“As if you can talk.”

Well, he did have a point there. Remus couldn’t help it if he had crazy Roman enthusiasts for parents. Greece may be on the decline but it wasn’t going out that slowly. Needless to say, he had not made many friends in school. 

“Right, let’s get on with it shall we?” Remus asked.

Zeus/Sirius walked towards the bed and gold fell around his feet as he moved. This Danae woman was in for a great deal of surprises when she woke up. 

“You know, that tone of voice could be considered blasphemous.” 

“Then smite me, please.”

“Oh you would like that wouldn’t you.” Sirius purred and Remus did not have to look at his face to know exactly what humorous and lewd expression had just crossed it. 

Remus had horrible, god-awful taste in men. 

The next time Remus woke up with a body that didn’t belong to him he could hear the sound of the ocean. Having grown up solely in the landlocked portion of Greece he hadn’t the faintest idea how he could recognize the sound of the ocean. Yet there it was the familiar swish-swish in out of the waves as they hit the rocks. The Aegean couldn’t be far away.

“Princess Europa,” A servant bowed her way into the room Remus/Europa and the only upside of this situation was Zeus’s penchant for falling for royal ladies. Remus always ended up getting a feast and a milk bath out of it somehow. It didn’t matter if his body didn’t actually receive it. He could remember every second, and it’s the thought that counts. “Princess Europa, your father needs you outside.”

Duty called. At least this time he’d actually get to see the sights for a while, breathe the sea air and hopefully not have to talk to anyone. Things always got awkward when he had to talk to people besides Sirius. 

The moment he stepped outside, he knew it was a lost cause. Eagles circled above in large, lazy loops as the priests glanced around and assured everyone and anyone that this was a good sign, that Zeus had blessed them this day.

Oh yeah, something was certainly blessed. 

“Look, look there!”

“Stay back, Princess.”

A bull of truly impressive girth walked out of the fields and stopped right in front of their party.

Sirius had never really been subtle.

Remus recognized the look in his eye, the one he had the misfortune of really enjoying: the one that promised mischief and debauchery and the risk of decapitation a la Hera. He really couldn’t resist that look and he knew better than to try. So he walked towards the animal, not quite used to the way his hips swayed in this body. Throwing the bull a dark look he clamored on its back and let Sirius carry him out to sea.

“Are you ever going to grasp the concept of subtlety?” Remus asked as he dug his fingers into the bull’s hair.

“I am a god. I am the god.”

“You really need to get some better excuses.” 

The bull snorted. “I could just buck you off and leave you to die.”

“You wouldn’t. Not when you’ve spent so much energy throwing my mind into other people’s bodies for the sake of some extra martial fun.”

“I wouldn’t put this much effort into something I did not immensely enjoy. You make good company.”

“And the sex is good.” 

“Oh, the sex is fantastic.”

Remus buried his face in the bull’s thick nape and breathed. He was talking to a deity in the form of a bull as it took him gods knows where. This is what his life had become.

“Where are we going?” He asked at last.

“Crete. It’s about time I had a bit of holiday. Besides, we can leave the woman and my future prodigy there. Crete could really use my heavenly influence.”

Remus muttered what the other places that could use his heavenly influence and Sirius laughed so hard that Remus fell off and Sirius had to ask Poseidon (James, really, call him James) for a rescue team.

Sometimes they didn’t bother cutting to the chase and sat around and talked for hours. These were the days that Remus almost didn’t mind getting tugged out of his own body and shoved into someone else’s. For all the gods were perfect, shining and without fault, Remus was beginning to learn that they had personal lives ten times more entertaining than the fools at the festivals or the mad men raging in the streets. 

“And so,” Sirius said, human this time in the form of Remus’ (Elare’s) servant, as he waved his hands around in a grand gesture. “Poor Hephaestus makes this golden net and next thing we know, we’re all called in to Heph’s house and he’s got Aphrodite and Apollo caught in the damn thing! Just hanging there, full frontal, and all the boys and I are just laughing up a storm. They got out eventually but I haven’t seen a sight that priceless since Athena jumped right out of my head.”

Family parties on Olympus must be the talk of the century. Remus didn’t mind not getting an invite. 

Something flashed out of the corner of his eye. “Say, is that a peacock?”

Sirius paled. “Oops!”

“Oops? That’s what you’ve got to say yourself?” Echoed a voice from the horizon. “I can hear you out with another of your harlots, oh Mighty King of Olympus and if you think I wouldn’t notice you’ve got another thing coming for you, mister.”

Sirius pressed his fingers to his lips and quickly threw a lightening bolt at the ground around Remus’s feet. Before he could react Remus found himself tumbling down into a deep cave. The ground closed above him and his vision vanished entirely.

“Oh well isn’t this fantastic.” He muttered, smoothing Elare’s skirts and straightening her toga as he sat himself down and prepared himself for a long and mind-numbingly boring wait.

When Remus woke up in priestess robes in the temple of Hera he resigned himself to a very long, very stressful week. He had thought that after the cave incident Sirius might calm down for awhile. Keep his goddess wife happy for a couple weeks or months or even years. Give the celestial woman some time to work over her well-earned hard feelings. That hope hadn’t lasted long. It had barely been two months and here he was, in the lair of the enemy to put things kindly.

“Are you completely mad as well as omnipotent?” Remus hissed once Sirius finally made himself known.

“Before you say anything else, let me explain.” Sirius said. Remus crossed his arms and just barely resisted the urge to start tapping his foot. “She’ll never think to look for us here.”

“Io!” One of the head priestesses called and Remus/Io assumed it meant him. 

“Quickly, girl, we have ceremonies to prepare for.” 

Zeus planted a kiss to Remus’s cheek, and Remus had been a goner since before the bull incident but he could practically feel himself falling all over. God he was about five hundred different kinds of screwed.

Surprisingly things don’t go as horribly as he had pictured them. Temple life may be sparse but it’s a right lot better than the goatherd gig he’s got on the mainland. It’s bizarre as always to wake up in someone else’s body and stay there for a while, usually the whole thing lasts just a couple of days. Sirius visits him about twice a week and they enjoy themselves. It’s not quite domestic, Remus never forgets that Sirius is in fact the God Among Gods and Wielder of the Holy Lightening and Sirius never quite lets him. Still they enjoy each other company and the minimal comfort of the acolyte chambers whenever they can.

Then of course, Hera finds them.

Once again, it’s the peacocks that tip them off. The temple has several around that they care for and nurture, but none quite this fabulous and definitely none quite so golden. 

“Sirius, I told you this was a bad idea.”

“Shit, oops, hold on.”

“No I am not going to-what are you doing, Sirius don’t you even dare-!”

In a flash of light, Io/Remus had gone and a large white heifer remained. If a cow could seethe, it would accurately describe the look on Remus’s now very bovine features. Of all the things in the world, he had to go and pick a cow. As if it made it any less obvious he had transformed himself into a large cloud on the otherwise clear sky.

“You really think that’s going to hide you, Oh Boisterous and Almighty Chief and Ruler?”

“Hera Whose Hand is Above, Marlene, my sweet beautiful, merciful wife.” Sirius the cloud rumbled and if a cow could see through that a goddess definitely could.

“I’ve had just about enough of you, Zeus, god only knows that marrying your siblings ends in disaster but I thought, you know, it’s better than what happened to Metis. Maybe he’ll shape up.”

“Marls, why would I ever want to swallow you alive?”

Hera floated above the ground in her full heavenly glory and Remus made sure not to look. Death by the glory of goddess didn’t rank high on his list of things to do today. Currently the only things on the list was consuming some grass and trudging through a field. He was going to kill Sirius for this.

“Where’s the girl, Sirius?”

“What girl?” Sirius asked as he floated over the heifer.

“Right. Give me the cow.”

“This cow? What would you want with a cow?”

“Argus is lonely, he needs some company.” 

“Are you sure he doesn’t want something more social? There are some very lovely dogs inside the temple-”

“Give me the cow, or I will eat the cow.”

Remus mooed his protest as loud as his cow lungs would let him, which was quite a bit louder than he had anticipated.

“Alright,” Sirius said as the hills stopped echoing. “Take the cow. Just knock it out before you go, will you? She’s afraid of heights.”

Muttering about the infidelities of good for nothing husbands, Hera hit Remus hard over the head and the last cow thought he ever had went something like: I do hope the sky has grass this nice.

Waking up in his own body came as a relief. The bur scars on his left leg tugged as they always did and if he could bend to kiss them, Remus would do it in a heartbeat. One of his goats nibbled on his mess of dark brown curls and another licked a trail up his arm. 

Two eagles circled above him and before Remus could even begin to groan Zeus had landed before him, cloaked as a man, grinning like a loon.

“Sirius.”

“Remus.”

“You turned me into a cow.”

“I am sorry about that.”

Remus hmmed and scratched a goat behind the ears.

“It’s just, I think I’ve found a solution.”

“To what?”

“To everything, the body stealing, the sneaking around.”

“Is it something smart like, stopping entirely?”

“Come to Mt. Olympus with me.”

“Pardon?”

“Alright, I’m taking you either way, but I’ve been told it’s polite to ask first.”

Remus gaped at him, completely thrown and the goat butted at his hand. “Pardon, I thought you said: Come to Olympus with me, mere mortal I’ve spent the last two years sleeping with through other women.”

Sirius looked innately proud of himself. “Knew you’d cotton on.”

“What in the name of Gaia are you thinking?”

“You’re going to be my cupbearer. In Olympus. Till the reign of Olympic Gods ends.”

“Well then.” 

The goat, having given up on Remus’s hand, settled on knocking him over completely. Sirius picked him up.

“I suppose I don’t have much of a choice?” Remus asked.

“Not really, but it’ll make me feel the slightest better if you say yes.”

“Yes, yes all right, God Among Gods, Slayer of Titans, Father Killer, Zeus. I will allow this. Alright, Sirius, you can take me home.”

Sirius wooped in a very un-godlike manner he’d deny later and kissed Remus square on the mouth.

It would be the last time that Remus set foot on earth in anyone’s body, and somehow he didn’t quite mind.


End file.
